Ah, nuclear power—the ultimate “we’re totally in control” energy solution for a country that can’t keep the lights on for a full day. South Africa, never one to shy away from controversial decisions, has now announced that it’s *open to bids* from any country for its new 2,500MW nuclear expansion. That’s right, any country, including Russia and Iran. Because if there’s one thing SA loves more than energy security, it’s poking the global superpowers with a very unstable stick.
Gwede Mantashe, Minister of Mineral Resources and professional defender of coal, insists that South Africa won’t discriminate—if Russia or Iran make the best offer, we’re taking it. Because what could possibly go wrong? A Russian-built nuclear reactor sounds about as stable as a Zimbabwean dollar. And Iran? They’ve got some experience with nuclear technology—though most of it involves other countries panicking about it.
Meanwhile, Washington is already clutching its pearls, with President Donald Trump halting aid to SA over its “renewed ties” with Iran. The U.S. is worried that Pretoria is secretly scheming to become a rogue nuclear state—because obviously, South Africa’s government is known for its efficiency and long-term planning.
In reality, we can barely keep a power station from literally falling apart (cough Koeberg cough), and now we want to go nuclear? Let’s be real: Eskom running a nuclear plant sounds like the start of a dystopian horror movie. But sure, let’s put some highly enriched uranium in the hands of a government that once lost a train. No, not a train, an entire fleet of trains.
While South Africa was busy speed-dating nuclear suppliers, the African Union was doing what it does best: holding a summit that solved absolutely nothing. This time, the topic was the Democratic Republic of Congo, a country so rich in minerals that everyone except its own citizens is profiting from them.
Hopes were high that African leaders would finally do something about the M23 rebels taking over eastern DRC. But guess who didn’t show up? Felix Tshisekedi, the actual president of the DRC. Instead, he was in Europe, presumably having actual productive discussions while the AU sat around sipping tea.
Meanwhile, M23 rebels—who apparently have better organisational skills than most African governments—continue taking control of territory with zero resistance from Congolese forces. South African troops, deployed under SADC, keep coming home in body bags because, surprise! Fighting rebels with better weapons and an actual strategy is not going well.
The AU’s grand solution? Merging the peace initiatives of SADC and the East African Community. That’s right, combining two already ineffective plans into one super ineffective plan. It’s like taking two broken cars and hoping they’ll merge into a Ferrari.
The real elephant in the room—Rwanda’s involvement—was, of course, politely ignored by AU leaders. Because while Western nations openly demand that Paul Kagame withdraw his forces from the DRC, African leaders prefer their signature diplomatic strategy: passive-aggressive silence.
Kagame, never one to back down from a Twitter fight, recently accused Cyril Ramaphosa’s office of lying about a phone call they had about the DRC. Imagine that—African leaders arguing about who lied this time. That’s like two serial cheaters arguing over who cheated less.
Where Does This Leave Us?
So, to recap: South Africa might be buying nuclear reactors from Russia or Iran, which will definitely not make the U.S. mad (wink), while the AU summit was such a flop that even the president of the country being discussed didn’t bother to attend. Meanwhile, M23 is out here collecting land like it’s playing Monopoly, and African leaders are still hoping problems will solve themselves.
And Eskom is somehow still the biggest disaster of them all.
Welcome to South Africa: where history repeats itself, but somehow, each time, it gets worse.
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