Well, well, well… Eskom’s in trouble again. In other breaking news, water is wet, the ANC is shocked by corruption, and someone, somewhere, is trying to resuscitate Jacob Zuma’s political career.
Yes, folks, our beloved power utility—once a shining example of how to turn abundant coal into perpetual darkness—is facing yet another scathing report. This time, the Auditor-General has had enough, basically telling Eskom: “You had one job, and you still managed to fumble it harder than Bafana Bafana at a penalty shootout.”
Apparently, Eskom executives have been making promises to improve governance, but—get this—those promises “have not materialized.” Shocking, right? I mean, who could’ve seen this coming, aside from literally every South African who has spent a night huddled around a candle, questioning their life choices?
But wait! It gets better. Eskom bigwigs now have to waltz into Parliament this Friday to explain how they’ve once again failed to count money, count coal, or count the number of prepaid electricity vouchers that have mysteriously vanished into the ether. I imagine the conversation will go something like this:
MP: “How much money did Eskom lose?”
Eskom Executive: “We don’t know.”
MP: “How much coal did Eskom buy?”
Eskom Executive: “We don’t know.”
MP: “How many hours of electricity can we expect tomorrow?”
Eskom Executive: “We don’t know.”
MP: “Do you know anything?”
Eskom Executive: “We do know that we need a 36% tariff increase.”
Yes, you heard that right. Eskom is asking for a 36% increase in electricity prices—because if you can’t provide a service, the logical solution is to make people pay more for it. It’s like a restaurant serving you raw chicken and then doubling the bill because, technically, it’s still food.
Oh, and let’s not forget the missing prepaid vouchers. According to Deloitte, it’s impossible to establish how much money Eskom lost because their vending system is about as sophisticated as a tuck shop ledger. The only way to verify whether a voucher has been used? Physically check the electricity meter. Can you imagine? Some poor Deloitte intern is probably out there, flashlight in hand, knocking on doors like a Jehovah’s Witness, asking, “Excuse me, sir, have you heard the good news? Your prepaid electricity might be fake.”
But don’t worry, there are consequences! Just kidding—Eskom still doesn’t know how to hold people accountable. Investigations drag on for two years, and even when they find clear evidence of wrongdoing, nothing happens. If only Eskom could power the grid with misplaced disciplinary hearings, we’d be sorted.
And yet, despite all of this, the Auditor-General insists Eskom is still a “going concern.” Which is technically true—Eskom is still going, but only in the same way that a car with no brakes is still going down a hill.
And speaking of financial disasters that somehow still exist…
Enter Steinhoff—the scandal that keeps on stealing. If Eskom is the reckless taxi driver of financial mismanagement, Steinhoff is the five-star luxury fraud machine with seat warmers and a built-in money-laundering feature.
This week, we finally got a peek behind the curtain at their real business model, thanks to a long-hidden 7,000-page report (because when you’ve committed R200 billion worth of fraud, a simple “Oops, my bad” just won’t cut it). And the findings? Well, let’s just say that if Eskom’s accounting was a mess, Steinhoff’s was a full-blown fever dream.
Turns out, Steinhoff was basically playing the corporate version of a three-card monte scam, moving money around like a street magician trying to distract you from the fact that your wallet is missing. They were “paying contributions” to various branches to make them look profitable—even though they were actually hemorrhaging cash.
And here’s the best part: they got caught because their former finance chief literally wrote in an email, “We must be careful not to trigger IFRS 10.” That’s right—he basically emailed his accomplices in writing to say, “Hey guys, remember, we have to keep pretending our books are real, or the auditors might notice.” It’s like a bank robber sending a WhatsApp voice note saying, “Gentlemen, let’s just make sure we don’t leave any fingerprints at the crime scene, okay?”
Even better? One of the companies Steinhoff used in this giant shell game—Triton-KLS—had exactly one employee. ONE. And yet, this company managed to funnel hundreds of millions of rands to Steinhoff under the guise of “management fees.” Imagine you walk into SARS and claim your entire salary as a “management fee” to your cat, and somehow, they just roll with it.
Of course, all of this raises one big question: why isn’t anyone in jail? Sure, some Steinhoff executives were convicted in Germany (because, you know, actual consequences exist there), but here in SA? The National Prosecuting Authority is still warming up, stretching its hamstrings, saying, “We’ll get to it eventually.”
And so, here we are. Eskom’s burning money faster than it burns diesel. Steinhoff’s fraud blueprint reads like a “How To” guide for corporate criminals. And in the middle of it all, South Africans are just trying to survive another week of load shedding, overpriced groceries, and a government that seems to have misplaced its sense of shame.
But don’t worry—Eskom’s 36% tariff hike should fix everything. Because if there’s one thing we know for sure, it’s that South Africans love paying more for less.
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